Mastering the Art of Influence

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“The Go-Giver Influencer” by Bob Burg and John David Mann is a treasure trove of insights for anyone seeking to master the art of influence. The book distills the essence of genuine influence into five pivotal strategies, each designed to foster deeper understanding, empathy, and effective communication.

Emotional Mastery: At the heart of influence is the ability to manage our emotions, ensuring that logic and calmness guide our interactions.

Empathetic Engagement: True influence requires stepping into others’ shoes, listening deeply, and understanding their perspective, beyond our own biases.

Positive Influence: Setting a positive tone in our interactions creates a foundation for meaningful dialogue and collaboration.

Tactful Communication: Speaking with empathy and tact not only conveys respect but also builds lasting trust and rapport.

Openness to Perspectives: By valuing flexibility and openness, we invite collaboration and innovative solutions, moving beyond the need to be right.

The book elevates the conversation around influence, contrasting the short-sightedness of manipulation with the lasting impact of genuine persuasion. It champions the idea that influence is not about competition but about collaboration, where success is shared and multiplied. By embodying these principles, we can transform not only our approach to influence but also the quality of our relationships and the effectiveness of our leadership.

Below is a summary of my notes and key takeaways from The Go-Giver Influencer book.

The 5 Secrets of Genuine Influence

1. Breathe. Master Your Emotions.
   • Set your feelings to the side. You can still have your feelings; you don’t even need to change them. Just set them aside for the moment. Don’t let them drive the car. Put reasoned judgment in the driver’s seat, feelings in the passenger seat.
   • Retrain yourself to respond to conflict and disagreement by unruffling your feelings. Make calm your default setting.
2. Listen. Step Into The Other Person’s Shoes.
   • Get out of your own head and step into the other person’s perspective. See the world through their lenses. Appreciate where they’re coming from and what’s at stake for them.
   • Listen with the back of your neck.
3. Smile. Set The Frame.
   • Take the initiative to establish the tone and context of the interaction. Whoever sets the frame of the conversations also sets the direction and tone in which it will go.
4. Be Gracious. Communicate With Tact And Empathy
   • Let yourself feel what the other person is feeling, and speak to theta truthfully, yet also with compassion.
   • No matter how different they may seem or what position they may take, remember that they are a chime and you’re a tuning clock.
5. Trust. Let Go Of Having To Be Right
   • As long as your premise is that your position is the right one, and the other person’s is the wrong one, you have no chance of arriving at a genuinely satisfying solution. Sometimes you have to let go, and eat the pancakes.
   • And, surprise! You may find you have what you let go of.

The Law of Influence. Your influence is determined by how abundantly you place other people’s interests first.

One of the biggest reasons people so love being around dogs: they always remind us to appreciate the miracle of simply being alive.

In sports, winning is about competition. In business, winning is about collaboration.

Manipulation is about getting someone to do what you want them to. For your reasons. Persuasion is getting someone to do what they want to do, for their reasons.

Most of coaching is just removing all the stuff that gets in the way, and reminding them of what they wanted to do in the first place.

Persuaders and manipulators are both skillful at reading other people, and they both use that skill to influence others. The difference is, manipulators seek to influence for their own gain only, while a positive persuader uses it to the other person’s gain too, and not just their own.

Each of us can “rewire” our brains via neuroplasticity. It is how we learn to truly Master our Emotions.

Every one of us is a superhero. Most of us just don’t realize it.

The mistake so many people make when it comes to persuasion is that they think you do it with what’s in your head. Mostly, though, positive persuasion is about tuning to what’s in the other person’s head.

The most effective leaders are those who are the best listeners. The same is true for the most effective teachers – and the most effective parents, too. They are experts at listening.

Step into the other person’s shoes. Get out of your own thoughts, your own concerns, your own issues, and step into the other person’s perspective. Make a concerted effort to appreciate where they’re coming from, what’s at stake for them.

“The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has occurred.” – George Bernard Shaw

Jack Nicklaus used to say that ninety percent of golf is preparing and lining up the shot. And that doesn’t just work for golf; it’s also true in any kind of human interaction. Which includes business – because all business is nothing but human interaction.

All of this – negotiation, persuasion, solving problems, winning in business – ultimately, at its core, is all about influence.

If you want to persuade, don’t push. Don’t confront. And don’t shut the patio door. Never box the other person into a corner, where they feel they have no choice. Where they fell they have to agree with your point of view. Because then, of course, they never will.

Set the frame. The frame is more important than the context, because the frame is the context. Whoever sets the frame of the conversation also sets the tone and direction in which it will go.

Do you know the word semiotics? It has to do with the creation of meaning. Because language is more than language, it’s also a creative force. The language you use to describe the situation sets up the situation. And not only the words, but gestures, tone, posture, everything.

Some words and phrases – like some physical postures – automatically set up an antagonistic frame. A frame where one side dominates over the other, or attempts to.

Think of Chick Fil A. When they say, My pleasure, it creates a whole different context. It sets a powerfully positive frame.

Sometimes, though, not being reactive is the most powerful statement you can make. When you go to your default setting focal, that is itself a frame reset. Or at the very least, it sets the stage for one. There is always a frame being set. Always. The only question is, Who will set it?

Gratitude. Same root word as grace and gracious. From the Latin gratia, meaning favor, esteem, regard, a pleasing quality, goodwill, and before that from the earlier roots meaning to announce, sing, praise, celebrate. In English, its fist meaning was more like divine favor, love, or assistance – typically unmerited assistance, by the way, but freely given anyway. Grace. Wonderful, wonderful word.

Empathy is feeling what the other person is feeling.

Tact is the ability to speak to that place. Truthfully, yet at the same time, with compassion. Tact is the act of giving empathy a voice. Like setting a poem to music.

Empathy isn’t trying to figure someone out. It’s not about reading the signs or analyzing the signals. Empathy is resonance.

You know how people say it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how you play the game that counts? That’s close. But it’s not just the how, it’s also the why. If you know why you’re playing the game, then even if you lose, you win. And if you forget why you’re playing. Then even if you win, you lose.

Gratitude is the secret to all magnificent success.

Winning in sports is about competitions. Winning in business is about collaboration.

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